Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow