So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?