By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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