Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.