i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen