Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex