I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing