Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.