My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink