You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.