Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
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That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".