We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME