yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?