Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels