Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?