I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
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I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
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Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..