Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.