I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.