I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
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I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.