Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her