How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
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I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.