Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
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We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.