You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So how was he last night?