it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
