I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.