I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?