Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
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Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"