sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
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Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.