Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes