Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.