Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Let's celebrate that I used a condom