Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see