If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen