IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.