Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.