You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.