Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know