I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
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Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?