You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
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I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
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just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.