did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it