I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.