But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
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At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
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would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass