I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
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By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.