We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
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YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?