You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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