Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.