Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor