You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heâ€™s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test