fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish