Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch