She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.