Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.