We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo