R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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