Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii