Texts From Last Night

lolsmd's Favorites Texts:

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  (805): View more from California

  No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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  (805): No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard. http://tfl.nu/br69
  Replies (5) Good night (2092) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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  (406): She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial http://tfl.nu/8xau
  Replies (10) Good night (3305) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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  (415): I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station http://tfl.nu/tet7
  Replies (15) Good night (3608) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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  (408): I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident. http://tfl.nu/gd86
  Replies (6) Good night (1940) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
  Replies (17) Good night (776) Bad night (1760) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.

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  (603): I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband. http://tfl.nu/f6ah
  Replies (5) Good night (379) Bad night (1462)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
  Replies (12) Good night (2429) Bad night (950)
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  (626): View more from California

  So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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  (626): So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential. http://tfl.nu/3n2i
  Replies (5) Good night (2591) Bad night (469)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4716) Bad night (569)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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  (812): I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed. http://tfl.nu/eaqv
  Replies (1) Good night (441) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

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  (617): I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few http://tfl.nu/zw2s
  Replies (8) Good night (850) Bad night (1873) Order T-Shirt
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

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  (276): your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/ity0
  Replies (7) Good night (995) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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  (906): Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work. http://tfl.nu/815e
  Replies (13) Good night (942) Bad night (2698) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.

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  (435): Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday. http://tfl.nu/eusa
  Replies (4) Good night (841) Bad night (367)