He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
