my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?