I didn't notice because vodka
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend