hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A bitchslap is in order.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
