Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.