Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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