I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."