He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love