We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
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hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"