I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo