Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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