It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
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Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.