his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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